Praying in the Dark

My husband is sick. He’s lost over 150 pounds. He can barely get out of bed; he’s in constant pain. We’ve been to so many doctors; they’ve ran so many tests and the results don’t really answer any questions.

This isn’t supposed to be how my story goes. This isn’t supposed to be his story. We’ve both had so much heartache and so much trauma, we are supposed to live our happy-ever-after together! We are supposed to live the adventures and spend the rest of our days together.

And then one day he said the words that went straight through my entire body. It was like I was struck by lightning. I just froze. “Babe, I’m dying”. I just shook my head. It couldn’t be. He can’t be dying. I won’t allow it. And yet, I somehow knew that maybe he was right. He had lost so much weight I could see every single one of his ribs when he laid down. I could see every part of his hip bones. His face was discolored and his eyes had lost their sparkle. I guess that maybe I was in denial he was so sick. Maybe one more doctor visit, one more medicine would finally be the cure. But he said those words “babe, I’m dying”. And I could only cry.

I knew with everything in me that God was with us and wasn’t abandoning us, but I didn’t understand. I tried to understand, I tried to ask for wisdom and look to the future and see the story my husband had to tell. But he said those words “babe, I’m dying”, and all I could see was the darkness.

And so, for weeks, while he slept, I laid there and just prayed. I would touch him to make sure he was still alive. I would listen for his breathing. But mostly, I just prayed in the dark.

Healing wasn’t the only thing I prayed for. I prayed for wisdom, for guidance, for our children, for myself, for God to continue to make a way for us. I also told God how mad I was, how confused I was and how heartbroken I was. Prayer isn’t about changing God’s mind, prayer is about changing mine. Prayer is about letting God hear every part of my heart and mind and allowing Him to comfort it.

Praying in the dark is what got me through.